I didn’t bother to watch the Republican National Convention last week, where the heavily scripted political sideshow revealed an alternative reality of America so disturbing that a Fox News columnist slammed it. Worse, Mitt Romney plans to run on the Ronald Reagan playbook. This isn’t 1980, and, despite whatever perceived failings, Barack Obama is no Jimmy Carter. The right-wing extremists will be sorely disappointed when their made-to-order candidate fails to win the election. I doubt they will follow the Democrat’s example of forming a circular firing squad to figure out what to do next to win the White House back.

Despite not watching, two things bubbled out of the gestalt to catch my attention.

Whoever invited Clint Eastwood to speak at the convention should have his sorry ass fired. Oh, wait. That was Mitt Romney. Never mind.

So what the heck did happen? I personally think Clint was peeved that the Republicans criticized his Super Bowl commercial for Chrysler as being a pro-Obama commercial for the auto bailout that he returned the favor by piddling on Mitt Romney’s parade in a roundabout way. It worked. Eastwooding was the biggest news coming out of the convention. That’s what you get for messing around with a legendary senior citizen.

The most offensive piece didn’t come out of the convention itself. I came home from work on Wednesday evening, checked my Twitter feed and came upon a headline link for The Onion’s latest satirical article: “John McCain Just Blew His Brains Out During RNC Speech.”

McCain—who at various points during his speech seemed out of sorts and apparently went off prompter to ask the assembled crowd, “What has this party become? What have I become?”—reportedly pulled out a .22-caliber Magnum revolver from his jacket pocket, held it to his head, stared unblinkingly at the crowd, and pulled the trigger, sending frightened attendees into a chaotic frenzy and his own limp body to the ground.

I didn’t find that to be a bit damn funny. John McCain is a war hero who has done much in the service of his country. He should be forgiven for picking Sarah Palin as vice presidential candidate, giving up on being a political maverick and toeing the Tea Party line as the Republican Party commits political suicide. But The Onion should be ashamed for running this piece of garbage.

As for us moderate conservatives sitting on the sidelines, especially in California, it’s time for a new conservative political party that embraces the real issues facing America today by working together with everyone to get things done.