What If Elon Musk Sold Tesla to Microsoft?

Elon Musk tweeted that he wanted Apple to buy Tesla but Apple CEO Tim Cook refused to meet him. That was back in 2017 when Tesla was worth 1/10th of its current value today and Apple went quiet on building its own cars. But the tweet was in response to a report that Apple will start production of their own vehicles in 2024.

You know the old joke about Apple making cars?

Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.

What if Elon Musk sold Tesla to Microsoft instead? Here are the Top 10 Microsoft car jokes from 1999 with updated commentary.


#10

You would have to press the START button to shut off the engine.

That was funny—back in 1999. Some cars today turn on and turn off at the press of a push button.

#9

Car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as before.

Like pressing a push button to start and turn off the engine because there is no ignition switch to turn? That tripped me out the first time I saw one.

#8

The airbag would say ‘Are you sure?’ before going off.

Your options will be Yes, No, or Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

#7

New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

I have no problems sitting my bicycle-toned ass in a regular-sized seat. Where I put my elbows is a different story.

#6

Oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be under the ‘Check Engine’ light.

A college roommate told me that he always checked the engine whenever the check engine light came on. The engine was always there when he opened the hood. He never understood the purpose of the check engine light.

#5

Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought additional licenses and added more seats.

That was funny—back in 1999. If you don’t pay your monthly subscription fee, your heated seats, steering wheel, and mirrors could turn off during a winter storm.

#4

When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would restart and drive on.

When I took the express bus in Silicon Valley, the master alarm would sometimes go off when we were on the freeway. The driver would pull over, turn off the engine, wait five minutes, and restart the engine. Only rebooting the computer would clear the master alarm.

#3

A left-turn will sometimes cause your car to shut down and refuse restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.

You don’t need a Microsoft car to have that happen to you. I made a left-turn at the post office, the engine shut off and refused to restart in my used 1999 Pontiac Grand Prix. The alternator died and took the electrical system with it. Pick-N-Pull paid me $240 USD to tow it away.

#2

Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

I don’t know about the rest of the country, but that’s not a problem in California. Local governments can’t afford to buy paint much less pay for labor to repaint the lines on the road. Welcome to the Great Nanny State of California!

#1

For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.

That was funny—back in 1999. A software update could “brick” your Tesla today. Or introduce bugs that could cause your car to crash in software or on the road. Microsoft car owners will look forward to Patch Tuesday every month.

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